When in relationships and navigating its dynamics, how do you structure your conversations? Sometimes I like to use the analogy of playing catch. Think of having a ball and throwing it to another person. For example, when I have a ball and I throw it to you, you have the choice of whether you want to throw it back to me, hold onto the ball, or put it down and stop the free flowing of the catch game. (See my chicken picture to the right)
Think about this image of throwing a ball to someone in your mind. Take a moment and visualize how you engage in your relationship dynamics.
Can you think about a specific conversation you recently had with a person, someone special, a colleague, or the last person who you had an interaction with? As you think about them and the conversation, who did the talking? Who did the listening? Did you both take turns? If you did take turns, did the conversation travel in an easy manner of participation with sharing and receiving information? Did the conversation feel frenetic with pressured speech, intensity, passion and/or heated dynamic with you, them or both holding the energy of the conversation? Were you able to allow for the pressure and also allow for the calm? Were you able to hold onto your boundaries, balance, self-awareness and care? What were your physical sensations in your body?
When having a conversation there are many scenarios that can occur:
· We can have a back and forth, listening and sharing.
· We can have one person talking and the other being talked to.
· We can talk to someone thinking about what we have to say, and trying to tell another person the details or our opinions. Perhaps sharing too much, or even keeping a wall between us or both without the tension.
· What are some other ways you have experienced?
· What are some of the ways you connect with or have been connected with in conversation?
· Do you notice the changes in your body by dynamics of the conversation? (i.e. tension, tightness, calmness, comfort, distraction, lump in throat, chest or stomach, clenched Jaw, etc…)
How do we have healthy functional conversations… and how do we know what type of conversation is necessary for the moment? We need to gauge the environment and the person or people we are having the conversation with. The healthiest conversations are the ones where all people feel welcomed to share and engaged in when listening. It is helpful to pay attention to the dance and the dynamic of the conversation. When it is out of balance, we can pause and ask a question such as, does that make sense? Or, what do you think about x, y, or z? We can pay attention to our physical sensations and listen, really listen to them for the information and message they are giving us in how to connect, respond and share. Healthy functioning adults in general want to be heard and listened to and we also want to communicate in ways that provide receptivity from the listener. We want to listen without being or feeling yelled at or talked down to like we are only the receptacle for this person who has the intensity to get whatever it is off their chest. Have you ever felt that you were in the midst of having a conversation with someone and they were so intense that they couldn’t receive from you, ignored you or you were just their dumping ground of information or thoughts? Perhaps you were the one feeling so intense that you shared a wave of words crashing down on another person, but the intensity of what you wanted to say overpowered your ability to think clearly, pause and regulate your emotions? What do you do?
Conversations connect us. Conversations bring us closer to people. Conversations give us information, share information and often tell us about how we can engage the present and the future. They allow us to think, think about others with love, grace, empathy or interest; Think about our environment and the people in it, the cultural norms or philosophies; Think about our self, the decisions we make, the feelings we have, or the thoughts we have and behaviors we engage in. As a Christian, I often ask the Holy Spirit to come into my conversation so that I can be present for others, and share what is healthy and beneficial for this conversation. When I know I am going to have a more delicate conversation, or I am more vulnerable to getting angry, hurt or defensive, I take time to pause and envision what and how I want this conversation to go. It is important to identify some goals. Sometimes I hit the target, while being imperfect I can miss the mark too.
What kind of conversations do you have with others? Do you find they leave you feeling positive or vulnerable? Do they contribute to your healing, growing, or taking action in a specific direction? Do they connect you to the person and give you a felt sense of depth, joy or inner calm? What actions can you do today to influence the health of your conversations? If it helps think of your next conversation as catch and release, toss and accept, share and receive. Then set some goals on how you want to connect.
